Parenting Moments and Habit Number 7: The Essence of Giving

There are some days when being a parent feels great; the kids play nicely together, behave well and speak respectfully.

A getting-along moment!

Then, there are the other days; the “Why did he get a bigger piece than I did?” days, the “No!” days, and the “You’re so mean” days.

On the good days, it’s easy to give, to do a fun activity, to spend some extra time together.

What do we do on the bad days?

But what happens on the bad days? How do we relate to our children when they misbehave or drive us up the wall?

• Hopefully our children can count on us for dinner - even if they have fought with their siblings.
• Hopefully our children can still depend on us for a good night kiss, even after they have behaved poorly.
• But will we still go the extra mile and give out special treats, help them with out-of-the-ordinary projects, or take them on surprise outings?

This brings us to the last of the 7 Habits of Highly Dependable People …

Habit #7: The essence of giving - gives generously and unconditionally

A child trusts his parents if he knows they will always take care of him, no matter what.

Hashem gives us everything, more than the most wonderful parent can ever give his child. Our food, shelter, and clothing, our talents and personality, our family and health, our very life - are all undeserved gifts from Hashem! Even the most righteous person in the world can never “earn” all that he receives.

And how about those of us who are less than righteous, not yet perfect? Even when we don’t find time to do His mitzvos (commandments), Hashem continues to shower us with His abundant blessings. Even as we lack the willpower to resist sin, He gives and gives and gives some more - unconditionally.

We can depend on God because He continues to provide us with all of our needs even when we aren’t worthy.

Does that mean we’re off the hook?

Needless to say, it is much easier to do wonderful things for our children when they behave well. Even though we love them in the tough moments, that does mean we don’t care if they misbehave.

Additionally, providing for the needs of a child who acts up might include some not-so-pleasant consequences. Loving, caring and providing for a child does not mean giving him everything he wants – it means helping him to grow up into a good person!

Put your best foot forward!

When you want a job, you dress well and do all you can to make it easy for the interviewer to be impressed.

When you want God to give you good things, it makes a lot more sense to do what He asks than to rebel and ask for the good anyway.

And though we can still count on getting our “goodnight kiss” even when we’re not on track, we might also be able to count on getting a firm look or a consequence. That may be what we need to get back on track!

So do your best to do Hashem’s will, and trust that He will take care of you always, no matter what!

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Asking Mom and Habit #6: Sole and Total Control

It is Sunday morning. You are a ten year old, and have nothing to do. Everyone else seems to be very busy, but you are bored.

Suddenly, you get an idea. The whole family can go on an outing to that new park that just opened! You heard that they have sprinklers and slides and a great big track for biking. It’s perfect!

You find your mother downstairs, folding some laundry. “Mommy,” you shout, “I know what we can do today! We can go to the new park! There are activities for the little kids and the big kids. We’ll all have fun!”

Your mother thinks about it for a minute. You can tell she likes the plan. After all, it will keep everyone busy! But still, there seems to be some hesitation …

“We’ll have to ask Daddy,” she finally answers. “I think he was hoping everyone would help clean out the garage today.”

Who is really in charge?

The problem here was not that your mother didn’t care, or wasn’t available. She couldn’t answer because she wasn’t the only one in charge of the situation. In this case, she shared control with your father.

Now imagine the same scenario, but with one difference: your father is out of town for the week.

When you ask your mother, she may say yes or she may say no. But either way the decision will be in her control. She will be dependable to take action.

Habit #6: Sole and Total Control

Habit #6 of Highly Dependable People is that they alone are in complete control of the situation at hand.

You may trust that your boss can get you a raise, but if she has superiors or colleagues who must also agree, then she is not really dependable in this area.

You may be certain that the approaching neighborhood bully is going to harass you, but if the principal suddenly walks up from behind, that bully may just leave you alone.

Bitachon: There is no power besides Hashem

It should be apparent that no human being can ever have exclusive and complete control in any situation. When we consider someone to be trustworthy, we really mean that that person is trustworthy most of the time.

God, on the other hand, is completely  and totally dependable because He alone is in command of everything that happens in this world, all the time.

There is no person who can help or hinder you without Hashem’s consent!

A person may appear to assist or to harm another. In reality, he is only a messenger, and has no power of his own to affect his fellow man. See Return to Sender - The Root Cause of Success and Disaster and Hate, Peace, and Bitachon for more on this topic.

There is a beracha (blessing) “Shehakol Nihyeh Bidvaro”, which we recite over drinks (other than grape juice and wine) and miscellaneous type foods, such as eggs, meat and candy. The last three words of this blessing can be translated as follows:

Shehakol - that everything  
Nihyeh - came into being  
Bidvaro - by His word

In other words, all that happens is by Hashem’s command. Whatever God says, that’s what is.

Practical Bitachon

1. Make it a point to recite the beracha “Shehakol Nihyeh Bidvaro” next time you take a drink or a bite of chocolate. Concentrate on the meaning of the words, and feel that your entire life is guided by Hashem.

   This blessing can be found in just about any siddur, or on p.91-92 in the NCSY Bencher.

2. When something good happens to you, thank the person who did it, and be sure to thank God too!

3. When someone harms or insults you, realize that no one can hurt with you without God’s permission. If the pain had not come through this person, Hashem would have sent it through some other channel. The person who caused the anguish is only a messenger.

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NeverOnTime Airlines and Habit #5: Always There for You

In The 7 Habits of Highly Dependable People, I concluded the post with the question:

What qualities would make you feel you could depend on someone?

Karen responded, “… consistency is really important to trust someone.”

Obviously, when we talk about consistency as a virtue, we refer to the positive use of consistency. Contrast these scenarios:

1. 

   When I was in High School, I used to walk to school with my friend Chavi (not her real name). We agreed that she would pick me up each day at 7:50 AM.

   Every morning, even before 7:50, Chavi would knock on my door. Over four years of High Shchool, I don’t remember her ever being late. I could always count on her to be ready and on time.

2. You are an important business executive. You have an important meeting in another city, and need to get there on time.

   

   NeverOnTime Airlines has some great fares, and you nearly book your ticket with them. Then you hear that their flights are habitually delayed or canceled.

   Would you depend on this airline to get you there on time?

3. 

   A teacher assigns homework to be done. Sometimes, the teacher collects and grades the assignment. Other times, she forgets to check that the work has been done.

Both examples 1 and 2 exhibit consistency. NeverOnTime Airlines was consistently late, and my friend Chavi was consistently on time. Few people would choose to fly NeverOnTime Airlines, but anyone would rely on Chavi!

The third example, however, demonstrates inconsistency. The students are never sure whether the work really needs to be done. Some students may try to get away with not doing their homework because they do not believe their teacher will really check it.

You feel you can trust someone when he has consistently been there for you in the past. If he has never let you down until now, you feel you can depend on him to come through for you.

Review of the 7 Habits of Highly Dependable People (so far)

1. Love and care
2. Attentive and available
3. Able and unstoppable
4. Knows what you really need
5. Consistently there for you

Practical Bitachon

Consider how Hashem has cared for you ever since you were born. Even if you have had a hard life, remember that your life itself is a gift from Hashem.

Keep in mind that Hashem helps you by always giving you exactly what you need (Habit #4). While consistently being there for you (Habit #5) is usually thought to include things like food, shelter, clothing, family, health etc, it may also include pushing along your growth through challenge or unpleasant situations!

The more you look to see how Hashem’s Hand has guided your entire life until now, the better able you are to have Bitachon (trust) that Hashem will continue to look out for you in the future.

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The Package and Habit # 4: Knows What You Really Need

The Package

One day, a package comes in the mail. It’s from your cousin Anna! What could be inside? Wow! It’s a check for your birthday! How thoughtful!

Imagine the same scenario, but …

One day, a package comes in the mail. It’s from your cousin Bella! What could be inside? Wow! It’s a fur hat for your birthday! I live in Florida!! Who needs a fur hat in Florida?

What do you need?

In the above scenarios, both Anna and Bella actually care about you and want to help you. They really want to get you something that you need. The difference is that Anna knew what you needed, while Bella did not.

Over the past few posts, we have been discussing the 7 Habits of Highly Dependable People. So far, we have seen these habits:

1. Love and care
2. Attentive and available
3. Able and unstoppable

However, even if a person cares about you, is attentive and available, and is able to help you, she can’t assist you if she doesn’t know what you really need!

Who knows better?

I remember visiting my cousins once when I was a kid. My mother and my aunt were discussing some recent news in my cousin’s school. One girl was allergic to peanuts, and the whole school went peanut-free in order to accommodate her.

“After all,” my aunt explained, “every child deserves to go to school.”

My young cousin, listening to the exchange, replied in outrage, “What do you mean? No child deserves to go to school!!”

If it were up to the kids, they would forget about school, eat pizza and ice cream at every meal, and stay up all night every night. They can’t understand why those mean adults keep insisting on study, sleep, and good nutrition!

But what would happen if parents let kids do anything they wanted? Would that be good for them? Is that really what they need?

Part of being a dependable parent is giving a child what he needs, even if he does not like it, even if he does not think he needs it!

Do we really know what we need?

One night I took out pajamas for my three year old to wear. She came down a few minutes later, crying. She must have put both feet into the same pant leg, and her shorts were all the way up around her waist.

“Why did you give this to me?” she screamed, tears streaming down her cheeks. “It’s not good, why did you give it to me!”

The pajamas I gave her were just fine; she just didn’t know how to put them on!

Who really knows what we need?

Everything Hashem gives us is exactly what we need. But like my three year old, sometimes we just don’t know how to use it properly. Or maybe we fail to recognize that what we got was what we needed.

We wish we could do anything we want. If only we could fulfill our every desire! But is that really what we need?

Thankfully, Hashem is dependable to take care of our needs. Sometimes this feels great, like having food to eat and a place to sleep. Sometimes it is difficult, like insult or illness. But in every case, it is just what we need. One day, we may see that what we got was really just perfect. Or we may never understand.

Practical Bitachon

• In what ways do you see that Hashem knows what you need?
• Think about a situation where you got something other than what you thought you needed, but it really turned out to be just right.
• When you can’t see how your situation can possibly be what you need, consider this story from Rabbi Yisroel Reisman’s book, Pathways of the Prophets (p.170):

  A man walks into shul for Maariv one night, visibly disturbed about something. The Rav goes over to him after Maariv and asks him what is wrong. The man tells him that he was supposed to fly to Europe that night, and he got stuck in traffic and missed the flight. He could not get onto another flight, and he was stuck in America.

  “I have to cancel all of my meetings,” the man moans. “I’ll ruin my business. Why did this have to happen to me?”

  “What would happen,” asks the Rav, “if you wake up tomorrow and read in the newspaper that the flight crashed, and all 450 people on board died. What would you do then?”

  “I would give a kiddush!” the man exclaims. “I would be delighted that I missed the flight.”

  “You rasha [(wicked person)]!” the Rav responds. “Do 450 people have to die for you to see Hashem’s Hand in your life? Do you have to kill 450 people to say ‘thank you’ to Hashem?

  “Do the world a favor. Let those people live, and just see Hashem’s Hand in your missed flight.”

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The Shadchan and Habit #3: Able and Unstoppable

To illustrate Habit #3 of highly dependable people, consider the following (fictitious) example:

You want to get married, and you need a shadchan to help you find your life partner. Having read The Bitachon Blog, and wanting to work with someone dependable, you make sure to find a shadchan (matchmaker) who actually cares about you (see Habit #1: Love and Care). She listens to you, keeps you in mind (what good is a shadchan who forgets about you?), and returns your calls (see My Kitchen Timers and Habit #2: Attentive and Available). She even has some great guys to set you up with. You are beginning to feel excited.

Then, out of nowhere, things seem to go awry. One young man is “busy”, another is not interested, and a third is out of town for the summer. These factors are beyond the control of the shadchan, and certainly not her fault. There is nothing she can do to change the situation.

Finally, she comes up with an appropriate match who is available, and you go out on a date (yay!). You are sure this is “it”. Apparently, he is not. You beg the shadchan to convince him to go out again, but to no avail. He does not want to be convinced. She is unable to help you.

No human is completely dependable. Only Hashem is truly unstoppable!

As much as she wants to help you, the shadchan is only human. She is not always capable of achieving what you want. Sometimes she is prevented from doing what she intended.

Hopefully, we try to enlist the help of people who are mostly capable, but true ability belongs to Hashem alone! Hashem has the power to do anything He wants, even things that seem unlikely or impossible. If God decides to make something happen, there is nothing in the world that can stop Him! That is why He is called “Almighty”!

In the following true story, I never dreamed that things could have turned out so favorable …

My husband and I moved to Jerusalem when I was seven months pregnant with our oldest son. After a reasonable “maternity leave”, I reluctantly began to search for a job. I was not eager to leave my baby all day, but there were few listings for part-time positions. I sent out some resumes, and even went for a couple of interviews, but did not land a job.

Long after I was sure the opening had been filled, I received a call to come in for a second interview at a small little startup company. They offered me a full time job, and I accepted.

Somewhere between the time I applied for the position and the time I actually began to work, I became pregnant. If I thought leaving my baby all day would be hard, now I was tired and nauseous too! Working full-time was going to be a real challenge.

Aside from my boss, I was the first hired employee in the company. When I informed my boss that I was expecting, she began to panic. Though she was in the process of hiring another programmer, she really couldn’t afford to have half her staff missing for several weeks! I was certain when I went home that night that I was about to be fired.

The next day my boss called me into her office. She congratulated me on my pregnancy and apologized for her initial reaction. She was trying to work out a solution that would be fair to everyone … Would I possibly consider working part-time? This way she would have some funds left to hire a third programmer, and she would be covered in my absence.

Would I? Wow! There was nothing I wanted more!!

I actually remember talking about part-time vs. full-time at my interview. My boss was seeking only full-time employees. And now she was asking  me to do her a favor and work part-time!

Nothing is too difficult for Hashem!

Try it!

Here are some practical Bitachon exercises for Habit #3, Able and Unstoppable:

• Think of a situation that seemed hopeless, but then an unexpected solution arose.
• Appreciate some of the “usual” things we take for granted, such as family, livelihood, and waking up in the morning. These things can only happen because God decides they should.
• When you find yourself in a tight spot, consider possible ways, however far fetched, that God could solve your problem. If He chooses not to fulfill your desire, realize that it is not due to lack of ability. Rather, it is an indication that what you wanted wasn’t good for you.

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My Kitchen Timers and Habit #2: Attentive and Available

The following is a story to illustrate Habit #2:

I have a (very undependable!) habit that sometimes gets in the way when I am cooking or baking.  I put the food in the oven, or on the fire, and make a mental note of the time I need to return to retrieve it.  But alas, I get busy with something else and forget all about it.

One time, I put some eggs up to cook. I planned to close the fire before I put the baby to sleep. Somehow, I forgot all about the eggs, and went upstairs to take care of baby’s bath and bedtime.

As soon as I came out of the room, I could smell something was burning…

Oh no!  The eggs!

Whoops.

The timer

To solve this problem, I started setting the timer on my microwave to remind me when the food was done.

As long as I stayed in the kitchen, this worked really well.  The problem was, that sometimes the timer would ring while I was in the garage getting something from the freezer, or upstairs putting away the laundry.

Hmmm, not very effective. If I was not attentive to the timer, my food would still burn!

The portable timer

It seemed that what I really needed was a portable timer, something I could carry around with me so that I could not miss it if I was out of the room. This time, I could not fail!

So I put my challahs in the oven, set the timer, and took it along for a quick stroll with the kids, just down the block. We even turned around before the timer was due to ring, so that we would be home by the time the challahs were done.

Well, we didn’t quite make it back in time. When the timer rang, we were still half a block away, and not exactly available to take the challahs out of the oven. (Luckily we made it back quickly and they didn’t burn!).

Habit #2: Attentive and Available

After Love and Care (click here to read Habit #1: Love and Care), the next Habit of Highly Dependable People is that they are attentive and available.

First and foremost, the person you depend upon must care about you. But what if that person is never around? What if that person cares, but has no idea what is going on?

In order to be truly dependable, a person must be aware of the situation and available to help.

Why no human can be completely dependable

Let’s use the classic example of dependability: loving parents.

As loving parents, we like to think that we are completely dependable to our children. However, this is impossible, as we can’t possibly know what is going on in our children’s lives at every moment, nor can we be always available. Hopefully, we are mostly dependable, but true dependability belongs to God alone.

Hashem is aware of everything that goes on in every part of the world at every moment. He is available to help us all the time, even with the most trivial matters.

In Judaism, there is a prayer for everything, even a special prayer that we say after using the bathroom! It may seem like a funny time for a prayer. However, by thanking Hashem for allowing all of our bodily functions to operate smoothly, we acknowledge God’s involvement in every single aspect of our lives. There is nothing that is too small, unimportant, or personal for God to help us out, or to be “bothered” with. He is there watching out for us and waiting to guide our lives in all matters, big and small.

Try it!

This week, when you have a problem, try asking Hashem (in your own words) to help you. Feel that He is there, listening, and available to help you.

(Please note: Asking Hashem for help is not a guarantee that the help will be in a form that you like or understand! There are many reasons that our requests may or may not be fulfilled. Either way, asking Hashem to help you will bring you closer to Him, and will drive home the message that He is really ready and available to you all the time.)

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Habit #1: Love and Care

To which babysitter would you entrust your child?

Babysitter #1

It is a hot summer day. Joanne arrives at the park with her two young charges. She plops down on a park bench and faces the baby carriage away from herself.

“I don’t want the toddler to wander far,” she thinks. “I’ll take off his shoes to make sure he won’t need much chasing.”

Eventually, she takes off the toddler’s clothes and allows him to run in the sprinkler. The line of vision from Joanne to the sprinkler is obstructed, but at least this activity should keep the little guy busy for a while.

After his water play, the toddler returns to the bench where Joanne is sitting. His diaper is puffed out like a cloud, but Joanne does not bother to change him.

Joanne has spent two and a half hours sitting on the park bench without getting up even once …

Babysitter #2

Malky is a chassidishe mother of 9 living in Jerusalem. She earns a living by babysitting her neighbor’s two small children while their mother, Leora, is at work.

One day, Leora develops a complication in her pregnancy. She spends some time on bed rest, and the situation improves. For the remainder of the pregnancy, she is under strict doctor’s orders to refrain from labor intensive tasks, such as cleaning and lifting children.

Malky watches Leora’s children extra hours each day (paid). She feeds them dinner and even takes the initiative to give them baths without being asked. All this while she herself is in a late stage of pregnancy!

Where’s the focus?

What is the glaring difference between Joanne and Malky?

Joanne does not appear to care about the children she was hired to watch. She seems to care only about herself.

In contrast, Malky loves Leora’s children and is concerned for their welfare.

Criterion #1 of 7: Love and Caring

In order to trust another, I must first feel that he loves me and cares about what happens to me.

Since we are working on Bitachon, Trust in God, let’s apply this back to Hashem:

Hashem loves you and cares about you more than any mortal can, even more than your parents do!

Today’s challenge

Make a list of 25 things that show Hashem loves you.

Some examples:

• I woke up this morning
• I have food to eat
• I have electricity in my home
• I have friends and family
• I have my own unique personality, talents, and job in this world

This is essentially an exercise in hakaras hatov, recognizing the good. This is a vital quality in any relationship!

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The 7 Habits of Highly Dependable People

Why is it so hard to let go and trust another person? Why do we have confidence in some people, but find others to be undependable?

There are specific traits which determine a person’s dependability. The more of these traits he exhibits, the higher his “dependability score”. By examining the qualities of a person who is reliable, we can see why no mortal, and only God, can be completely trustworthy.

The author of Chovos Halevavos (Duties of the Heart), Rabeinu Bachya Ibn Paquda, defines 7 criteria that are essential to developing complete trust. In the next few weeks, we’ll explore each of these, one at a time.

What qualities would make you feel you could depend on someone?  Post your answers, and we’ll discuss number 1 in the next post!

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