My Kitchen Timers and Habit #2: Attentive and Available

The following is a story to illustrate Habit #2:

I have a (very undependable!) habit that sometimes gets in the way when I am cooking or baking.  I put the food in the oven, or on the fire, and make a mental note of the time I need to return to retrieve it.  But alas, I get busy with something else and forget all about it.

One time, I put some eggs up to cook. I planned to close the fire before I put the baby to sleep. Somehow, I forgot all about the eggs, and went upstairs to take care of baby’s bath and bedtime.

As soon as I came out of the room, I could smell something was burning…

Oh no!  The eggs!

Whoops.

The timer

To solve this problem, I started setting the timer on my microwave to remind me when the food was done.

As long as I stayed in the kitchen, this worked really well.  The problem was, that sometimes the timer would ring while I was in the garage getting something from the freezer, or upstairs putting away the laundry.

Hmmm, not very effective. If I was not attentive to the timer, my food would still burn!

The portable timer

It seemed that what I really needed was a portable timer, something I could carry around with me so that I could not miss it if I was out of the room. This time, I could not fail!

So I put my challahs in the oven, set the timer, and took it along for a quick stroll with the kids, just down the block. We even turned around before the timer was due to ring, so that we would be home by the time the challahs were done.

Well, we didn’t quite make it back in time. When the timer rang, we were still half a block away, and not exactly available to take the challahs out of the oven. (Luckily we made it back quickly and they didn’t burn!).

Habit #2: Attentive and Available

After Love and Care (click here to read Habit #1: Love and Care), the next Habit of Highly Dependable People is that they are attentive and available.

First and foremost, the person you depend upon must care about you. But what if that person is never around? What if that person cares, but has no idea what is going on?

In order to be truly dependable, a person must be aware of the situation and available to help.

Why no human can be completely dependable

Let’s use the classic example of dependability: loving parents.

As loving parents, we like to think that we are completely dependable to our children. However, this is impossible, as we can’t possibly know what is going on in our children’s lives at every moment, nor can we be always available. Hopefully, we are mostly dependable, but true dependability belongs to God alone.

Hashem is aware of everything that goes on in every part of the world at every moment. He is available to help us all the time, even with the most trivial matters.

In Judaism, there is a prayer for everything, even a special prayer that we say after using the bathroom! It may seem like a funny time for a prayer. However, by thanking Hashem for allowing all of our bodily functions to operate smoothly, we acknowledge God’s involvement in every single aspect of our lives. There is nothing that is too small, unimportant, or personal for God to help us out, or to be “bothered” with. He is there watching out for us and waiting to guide our lives in all matters, big and small.

Try it!

This week, when you have a problem, try asking Hashem (in your own words) to help you. Feel that He is there, listening, and available to help you.

(Please note: Asking Hashem for help is not a guarantee that the help will be in a form that you like or understand! There are many reasons that our requests may or may not be fulfilled. Either way, asking Hashem to help you will bring you closer to Him, and will drive home the message that He is really ready and available to you all the time.)

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Hate, Peace, and Bitachon

The Three Weeks of Mourning

The days from the fast of the 17th of Tammuz (observed this past Sunday, July 8, 2012) until the fast of the 9th of Av (observed Sunday, July 29, 2012), is a time of mourning and sadness for the Jewish people.  Both temples were destroyed during this time, and many calamities befell the Jewish nation throughout the years during these three weeks. (Read more about the “three weeks”).

The sin which brought about the destruction of the second  Beis Hamikdash (Holy Temple) was sin'as chinam, baseless hatred between Jews.  This is also the sin that we need to correct in order to rebuild the Temple once again.

It’s not baseless, there’s a good reason!

For years, I struggled with this concept. What on earth is baseless hatred? No sane person hates another for no reason at all! Surely, if one person hates another, there is a good reason.

Why do people hate each other?

Hatred usually results from some variation of the following:

• He insulted me, she hurt me
• She chose not to help me when she could have
• She excludes me from the conversation
• He is inconsiderate; he doesn’t care about my needs
• He’s not nice to me

Etc, etc.

A person hates another when he feels the other person hurt him in some way. He may feel this way even if the slight was unintentional; all the more so if it was careless or purposeful.

Will the true cause please stand up!

In last week’s post, Return to Sender, I discussed how Hashem is really the root cause of everything that happens, even when it appears otherwise. This is true even when the apparent cause is another person. As difficult as it is, real Bitachon requires that I recognize the nasty clerk’s rude comment as coming from God, just as I would perceive a natural disaster or illness as a God-sent challenge. The other guy is just a messenger of Hashem.

Doesn’t this absolve the guilty party?

Whatever happened to personal accountability? If it’s all really coming from Hashem, does that mean the offender is off the hook?

One of the subjects I studied daily in high school was Navi, books of the Prophets. There were certain patterns that repeated themselves again and again.  One such pattern was a cycle where the Jewish people would sin, God would send another nation  to punish them, and then God would punish that nation for hurting the Jews.

How is that fair?

If God sent that nation to punish the Jews, how can He hold them responsible for their actions?

The offending nation could have refused to do the deed. God has  many messengers; these people did not have to be the ones to do it. If they chose to do a bad thing, they are held responsible. Additionally, perhaps God only requested a limited amount of suffering to come through this nation, but the nation tried to inflict more than that upon the Jewish people. Any effort to hurt beyond what Hashem prescribed is clearly of their own doing, and they are held responsible.

Similarly, a person is not absolved of responsibility for his actions just because “it was meant to be”.  The fact that nothing happens unless Hashem intends it to happen does not let the attacker off the hook. Any person who hurts another person purposefully is held fully accountable for his actions.

However, when I am on the receiving end of the insult or hurt, it is my job to see God’s loving hand in the punch, not the other guy’s fist. This means attributing the blame to the source, Hashem, and not to the messenger, my fellow Jew. Hating the messenger is baseless hatred.

Example:

(All names have been changed)

In many Jerusalem apartment buildings, the stairwell lighting works much like the sink in a public restroom. You press a button to turn it on, it stays on for a few minutes, then turns off automatically (usually when you’re in between landings with your hands full!). In many religious buildings, the lights stay on all Shabbos, since no one can press the button to turn them on.

The Goldberg family moved from their religious neighborhood to be closer to their parents. Some of the families in their new building were religious, others were not.

Upon their arrival, one of the neighbors, Mr. Groucho, informed them that the stairway lights remained off in that building on Shabbos. If they were having an electrician come to do work anyway, Mr. Groucho recommended installing a light in the hallway and connecting it to their own apartment. This way the Goldbergs would have a light on the stairs, since they would be paying for the electricity themselves.

One week, the Goldbergs were away for Shabbos.  When they returned, they were accosted by Mr. Groucho.  He ranted and raved that by not leaving on their personal light while they were away, they put the entire building in danger!  Someone could have been hurt and it was all their fault!

The audacity!  The building would not supply the Goldbergs with light on Shabbos, and had been without any light in the hall on Shabbos for years before their arrival.  Mr. Groucho told them to get their own light, and now he is complaining that they didn’t leave on the light?

The Goldbergs, however, did not respond in kind. If they were meant to be harassed or insulted, it came from Hashem, not from Groucho. Mr. Groucho would have to account to God for his actions, and it would not help the Goldbergs to get aggravated over the situation. Instead, they just thanked him for letting them know, and moved on.

By the way, this type of interaction with Mr. Groucho is not an isolated incident. He is constantly accusing the Goldbergs and other neighbors, and is generally hard to get along with. Bitachon is not only for one-time encounters; it is a way of life and a way of peace!

Try it!

This week, when someone is mean to you or insults you, remember that suffering comes only from Hashem. No one can inflict difficulty on you that Hashem has not decreed.

Try not to get angry at the person who hurt you. It is Hashem’s business to punish him (like the nations who hurt the Jewish People), not yours. And remember, if Hashem has sent difficulty your way, there must be a reason that you need it!

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