The Three Weeks of Mourning
The days from the fast of the 17th of Tammuz (observed this past Sunday, July 8, 2012) until the fast of the 9th of Av (observed Sunday, July 29, 2012), is a time of mourning and sadness for the Jewish people. Both temples were destroyed during this time, and many calamities befell the Jewish nation throughout the years during these three weeks. (Read more about the “three weeks”).
The sin which brought about the destruction of the second Beis Hamikdash (Holy Temple) was sin'as chinam, baseless hatred between Jews. This is also the sin that we need to correct in order to rebuild the Temple once again.
It’s not baseless, there’s a good reason!
For years, I struggled with this concept. What on earth is baseless hatred? No sane person hates another for no reason at all! Surely, if one person hates another, there is a good reason.
Why do people hate each other?
Hatred usually results from some variation of the following:
- He insulted me, she hurt me
- She chose not to help me when she could have
- She excludes me from the conversation
- He is inconsiderate; he doesn’t care about my needs
- He’s not nice to me
Etc, etc.
A person hates another when he feels the other person hurt him in some way. He may feel this way even if the slight was unintentional; all the more so if it was careless or purposeful.
Will the true cause please stand up!
In last week’s post, Return to Sender, I discussed how Hashem is really the root cause of everything that happens, even when it appears otherwise. This is true even when the apparent cause is another person. As difficult as it is, real Bitachon requires that I recognize the nasty clerk’s rude comment as coming from God, just as I would perceive a natural disaster or illness as a God-sent challenge. The other guy is just a messenger of Hashem.
Doesn’t this absolve the guilty party?
Whatever happened to personal accountability? If it’s all really coming from Hashem, does that mean the offender is off the hook?
One of the subjects I studied daily in high school was Navi, books of the Prophets. There were certain patterns that repeated themselves again and again. One such pattern was a cycle where the Jewish people would sin, God would send another nation to punish them, and then God would punish that nation for hurting the Jews.
How is that fair?
If God sent that nation to punish the Jews, how can He hold them responsible for their actions?
The offending nation could have refused to do the deed. God has many messengers; these people did not have to be the ones to do it. If they chose to do a bad thing, they are held responsible. Additionally, perhaps God only requested a limited amount of suffering to come through this nation, but the nation tried to inflict more than that upon the Jewish people. Any effort to hurt beyond what Hashem prescribed is clearly of their own doing, and they are held responsible.
Similarly, a person is not absolved of responsibility for his actions just because “it was meant to be”. The fact that nothing happens unless Hashem intends it to happen does not let the attacker off the hook. Any person who hurts another person purposefully is held fully accountable for his actions.
However, when I am on the receiving end of the insult or hurt, it is my job to see God’s loving hand in the punch, not the other guy’s fist. This means attributing the blame to the source, Hashem, and not to the messenger, my fellow Jew. Hating the messenger is baseless hatred.
Example:
(All names have been changed)
In many Jerusalem apartment buildings, the stairwell lighting works much like the sink in a public restroom. You press a button to turn it on, it stays on for a few minutes, then turns off automatically (usually when you’re in between landings with your hands full!). In many religious buildings, the lights stay on all Shabbos, since no one can press the button to turn them on.
The Goldberg family moved from their religious neighborhood to be closer to their parents. Some of the families in their new building were religious, others were not.
Upon their arrival, one of the neighbors, Mr. Groucho, informed them that the stairway lights remained off in that building on Shabbos. If they were having an electrician come to do work anyway, Mr. Groucho recommended installing a light in the hallway and connecting it to their own apartment. This way the Goldbergs would have a light on the stairs, since they would be paying for the electricity themselves.
One week, the Goldbergs were away for Shabbos. When they returned, they were accosted by Mr. Groucho. He ranted and raved that by not leaving on their personal light while they were away, they put the entire building in danger! Someone could have been hurt and it was all their fault!
The audacity! The building would not supply the Goldbergs with light on Shabbos, and had been without any light in the hall on Shabbos for years before their arrival. Mr. Groucho told them to get their own light, and now he is complaining that they didn’t leave on the light?
The Goldbergs, however, did not respond in kind. If they were meant to be harassed or insulted, it came from Hashem, not from Groucho. Mr. Groucho would have to account to God for his actions, and it would not help the Goldbergs to get aggravated over the situation. Instead, they just thanked him for letting them know, and moved on.
By the way, this type of interaction with Mr. Groucho is not an isolated incident. He is constantly accusing the Goldbergs and other neighbors, and is generally hard to get along with. Bitachon is not only for one-time encounters; it is a way of life and a way of peace!
Try it!
This week, when someone is mean to you or insults you, remember that suffering comes only from Hashem. No one can inflict difficulty on you that Hashem has not decreed.
Try not to get angry at the person who hurt you. It is Hashem’s business to punish him (like the nations who hurt the Jewish People), not yours. And remember, if Hashem has sent difficulty your way, there must be a reason that you need it!
Your story inspires others! If you have success, post a comment to share with all our readers!
If someone in your life is a repeat offender how do you balance the concept of acceptance that this is from Hashem with your responsibility to protect yourself and your family from this person.
ReplyDeleteIf you have a neighbor that is consistently abusive, yes, you need to look at yourself and try to understand why Hashem would put this person in your life. But, shouldn’t you also be thinking about relieving yourself and others from the pain of dealing with this person.
You should absolutely do whatever you can to protect yourself!! Nevertheless, since it is likely that you will not achieve complete protection (ie you cannot avoid bumping into your neighbor on the stairs), you must arm yourself with the proper Bitachon attitude. In the example above, you may protect yourself by preparing a firm but respectful answer, but you still may not yell at him or insult him.
DeleteThere are so many times when we feel the need to stand back and say nothing at all, because to speak would not seem to bring anything positive. i.e. "If you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything" I love the idea of having those respectful and firm answers handy. It seems that we always walk the fine line of how to protect yourself without becoming an active part of the negative interaction. As I am reaching for my proper Bitachon attitude, I may, too often say nothing.
ReplyDeleteDid you mean you would say nothing to the other person? Yourself?
DeleteIf you can clarify or bring an example, I would love to work this question through.
Sometimes a Bitachon attitude may manifest in a combination statement - what you say to yourself, what you say to the other person, and what you do.
We have been looking so much at the power of words, a thing I take very seriously and always have. There are a few ways in which it applies to what I was saying.
Delete1-First, I believe that when you speak of something, you bring more power to it. For example, when experiencing a very negative person, there are times when I have been able to address the problem by creating positive statements or interaction with the person. There are other times, it seems when this could be viewed as the ostrich syndrome (bury my head in the sand, pretend the evil is not happening and it grows). I often feel that if I speak about the wrong that is being done, I may fall into the gossip (luschon horror of it). Also the negative discussions draw you in and can be consuming. The power of your own words about the negative can feed the negative action that is occurring. It is why I feel so strongly about finding positive words to focus on.
2-On the disk that I purchased from the video this TishB'Av, both Rabbis discussed a very important piece of what I am saying. Sometimes when we look at the negative and speak of it, it becomes a self fufilling prophecy. The opposite is also true so I try to find the positive. I do not wish to be unrealistic, however, want to always be mindful of how the words can affect the outcome, (By this I mean, how they can alter the outcomes for real people in many ways).
A friend of mine has used the tern "speak it into existance" ,meaning to put something positive in the world by speaking about it until it becomes true. I believe words can have that power to both the positive and negative.
3-At times, it seems is so visually evident when people speak negatively about another person. If you saw the video played for the kids on Tish B' Av about the boy being bullied, it is such a good visual. This also happens when people loose respect for a person in the wake of luschon horrah. I think many people, begin not realizing what their words are doing to a person. My question would be, how do you keep your Bitachon attitude when you feel it is abusive without bringing yourself to a negative place as well.
I hope that makes sence as I am in a hurry to your class and just realized I had not answered.
That is probably too much for a blog and maybe another class.
The words we speak can absolutely affect the way we or others act and feel.
DeleteWhen dealing with someone who causes you pain inadvertently, speaking to that person can help, though it may be difficult to do. Most people do not want to hurt you, and would want to fix the situation.
In a case where the person causing the anguish is callous to your feelings, or purposely hurting you, speaking to the person may not help, or may even be counterproductive. This is especially true of someone who is not open to learning or growth in any areas of his life. The best course of action may be to calmly respond, "I don't appreciate what you did/said", and then protect yourself as best you can from further abuse. Sometimes you can soften the other person's attitude by going out of your way to do something nice for him. This depends a lot on the person and the situation.
This is also very hard to do. Sometimes we succeed, other times we may not! Keep trying!
This woman contacted me wanting me to do some sewing for her. Immediately on the phone, I could tell she was not a very nice person and I didn't know how on earth I was going to be able to do any work for her, she was just mean! When I met her in person, it was no better, but I stayed calm and nice and to the point, focusing the conversation on only the work she was asking me to do. I was beside myself about how I was going to deal with her when I returned her finished items to her! Would she be mean, criticize my work and nothing would be good enough for her? I drove myself nuts. When I went to return her stuff to her, she wasn't there at the time we had scheduled. She tried to blame me for getting the time wrong. O.k. maybe I didn't write the time down correctly, I'm sorry if she was inconvenienced. (I knew I had written the time down correctly, she's too mean, I didn't want to offend her and get any rude or nasty comments from her.) She finally arrived at our meeting place and I started finding something, anything I could try to connect with her about. Coffee. She had a coffee in her hand from a place I had never been to before. She spat at me "It's decaf!" Oh! Decaf, well I drink decaf, too. I can't have caffeine. The conversation between us went along like this until she softened up enough to show me some artwork from a local artist. Then some more artwork. We both love the same type of art. She had just come back from a cruse, I wanted to go on a cruise, but my husband didn't, now she's in a position of being able to impart sage wisdom to me, she doesn't recommend cruises and this is why. . . . And so it went. She softened up so much, that about a week and a half later, she brought me some more sewing to do, a huge job, and told me she was sad I was leaving, I must have a lot of friends, and how important I am to the community and asked what she is going to do without me? Hashem tested me, but I had to keep in mind that this person is this way for a reason. For me to learn a lesson, because she needs me to be soft (which I AM NOT!) she has been burned in her life, I had to be understanding and patient and kind. I had complete Bitachon. Complete faith that this entire situation was orchestrated by Hashem for some purpose not only for me, but for her also.
ReplyDeleteWow! I love how you handled the situation. You not only managed to be civil, but actually were able to draw her out and connect with her. You brought out her good side by finding a commonality and responding respectfully to her insult.
DeleteThanks for remembing to check out the blog!!