The One Thing That Makes All The Difference

3:00 AM

It is dark, both inside and out. All is quiet, except the rustle of a few leaves in the gentle night wind.

Inside the house, a figure slowly creeps up the stairs. Ever so quietly, he climbs step by step, using tiptoes so as not to wake the sleeping family.

Good or Bad?

Is this figure a hero, or is he up to no good?

From the information given, it’s impossible to know.

On first instinct, you may assume the figure is a thief. He must maintain absolute silence in order to successfully carry out his mission.

However, that figure could also be a boy. He woke up feeling unwell, and went downstairs to take a drink of water. Not wanting to wake his sleeping parents or the rest of the family, he tiptoes quietly back to his room.

The Difference: Motivation

Both “figures” performed exactly the same act. The description could represent both equally well. What is it, then, that makes the one a hero and the other a villain?

The defining factor here is the motivation. The boy’s intention was admirable: to perform the mitzvah of Kibbud Av Va'Aim (honoring parents) and the mitzvah of not waking those who are sleeping. The robber, on the other hand, had only himself in mind. He did not respect other people’s sleep - he just wanted to get away with some valuables before anyone noticed!

Bitachon and Effort: Having the Right Motive

Hashem is the Guiding Force behind everything that transpires in the world and everything that happens to me personally. This is the fundamental idea of Bitachon!

Yet, at the same time, God requires me to try my best and do what I can to fulfill my needs and achieve my goals. This is the obligation of hishtadlus, effort.

There can be two people, equally hardworking, but one has complete trust in Hashem, while the other is severely lacking in Bitachon. What sets them apart?

The answer is, of course, their motivation.

One believes that whatever Hashem has set aside for him, he will have. He works hard, but only because Hashem has commanded us to put forth appropriate effort.

The other believes that if he works hard, he will earn well. In his mind, his efforts are the cause of his success. He has left Hashem out of the picture completely. (It is also possible for a person to attribute some credit to Hashem, but most credit to his own efforts. This is still a lack of Bitachon. A person should believe that his efforts serve the purpose of fulfilling his obligation, but success or failure are completely in the hands of Hashem.)

Real Service or Lip Service?

On the other end of the spectrum, there may be two people who both say “Everything is by Hashem’s decree”, but one is righteous and the other is a fool!

The righteous man truly believes that God runs the world. The man puts forth his required effort, but places his trust in Hashem to do what is best for him.

The fool is lazy and does not want to work. “Everything is by Hashem’s decree” is just his excuse to exempt himself from doing his part.

Same refrain, totally different intent!

For God’s Sake, Give Us Life!

There are several passages which we add to the amidah prayer during the Ten Days of Repentance from Rosh Hashanna through Yom Kippur. The first is:

Remember us for life, King who desires life, and write us in the book of life for Your sake, Living God.

Of course we’re asking for life - after all, everyone wants to live! But what is “for Your sake” doing in there?

Life without God has no meaning. It is only when I live my life in a Godly fashion that my life takes on purpose.

I am asking Hashem for life not because I want to eat, drink and be merry, but rather so that I can serve Hashem.

Actions are important; intention is crucial!!

Practical Bitachon

You can turn any type of work or effort into a Bitachon moment! Just remind yourself that success and failure are determined by Hashem, and your effort is just a necessary tool, not the real cause.

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When Things Don't Go Your Way: 3 Tools for Dealing with Disappointment

Imagine this scenario:

It is Rosh Hashanna morning. You dress and feed the little ones, set the table, and head off to shul.

The shul has youth programs and even babysitting, to allow parents of any age child to participate in the services.

You are looking forward to the opportunity. After all, as a mother of young children, it is not often that you have a chance to daven in shul!

You make sure to arrive early enough to settle all the children in their respective programs. Everyone seems happy, except the baby. You remain with him for a while longer, until it is time to listen to the shofar. He seems to be okay as you slip out the door …

When you step out for a moment after shofar blowing, you meet a friend who has just come from the babysitting room. “Your baby is crying,” she informs you. “Maybe you should peek in through the glass in the door.”

Sure enough, your baby is screaming! Time to rethink. Certainly, God does not want you davening mussaf at shul while your baby screams at the babysitter.

So you retrieve your baby and other children after just a short stay at the youth programs. So much for the quiet prayers. So much for the inspirational davening!

I told you to imagine this scenario. I, on the other hand, do not have to imagine anything; this is exactly what happened to me on the second day of Rosh Hashanna this year!

How does a person deal with disappointment?

Bitachon requires me to believe that everything Hashem does is for the best. This can sometimes be tricky if you don’t know how to deal with frustration.

There are specific tools that can be used in this type of situation to help you cope with the letdown.

1. Maintain realistic expectations

   When you expect one thing and get another, you may feel frustrated or dissatisfied. Having realistic expectations does not mean expecting the worst; it means realizing that things may not go exactly as planned. When you are prepared for alternate possibilities, you are better able to adapt to the new situation.

   In the above example, I was well aware the my baby does not take fondly to babysitters. He is almost never in the care of any non-family member. He also  woke up early that morning, and I knew he would need to nap close to his regular time, shortly after the shofar blowing. It would have been foolish for me to expect him to be happy about being left with strangers when he was overtired!

   Going in with the attitude of “Wow, it would be so nice, but I know it may not really work out” rather than “This is the way it will be” made a huge difference in my level of disappointment. Sure, I would have loved to daven in shul, but at least I wasn’t crushed that I had to daven at home instead (with little people trying to get my attention the whole time!).

2. Gratitude: Focus on what went right, not what went wrong

   This one is crucial. If you maintain a positive focus, it can really keep things in perspective.

   By having gratitude for all that worked out well for me, it helped me to realize that not davening in shul was really not such a big deal in the larger picture. Here is a list of some things I am grateful for:

   • I have children to take care of.
   • I got to hear the first 30 shofar blasts in shul. This was especially important to me because my husband was blowing the shofar!
   • I got to hear shofar, daven mussaf, and stay in shul until the end of kedusha on the first day of Rosh Hashanna. Again, I valued this even more because my husband was the Chazzan on the first day!
   • If this had to happen on one of the two days of Rosh Hashanna, I was glad it worked out this way. I heard some of the Chazzan’s repetition on the day my husband was the Chazzan, and at least I made it for shofar on the day the he blew shofar!
   • I managed to daven mussaf at home, albeit not in the quietest environment.
   • The baby napped closer to schedule, so he went to sleep on time at night.

   I cannot stress enough how much this type  of attitude can help you! In any life situation, there is always something to smile about. If nothing else, you can be grateful that you are at least familiar with more pleasant situations than the one you are in!

3. Plan for the future

   Ask yourself: “What can I do differently next time to achieve a better outcome?”

   This shifts the spotlight from the undesired events and places it instead on an action plan for the future.

   Truthfully, in this particular instance, I don’t think there is anything I would change the next time! Yes, I would have loved to daven in shul, but no, I wouldn’t give up my role and responsibility as a mother to make that happen!

   I had already  done all that I could to help things along smoothly (such as leaving snacks, settling him in, even acclimating him to babysitting at shul for short periods over the previous few weeks). If it didn’t work out, it is because Hashem didn’t want it to be that way!

   However, there are many cases where we can do something to improve the odds of things working in our favor. This is part of our required hishtadlus (effort) and we certainly must not ignore this aspect.

What is your experience? Do you have an idea you would like to add to this list?

Wishing everyone a Sweet New Year and a meaningful High Holiday season!

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The Secret to Staying Calm in Stressful Situations

One of the perks of having a blog about Bitachon is that people share their stories with me. What I love most is that the stories are from regular people like you and me about the usual kinds of things that happen to people like you and me.

The following story was told to me by my friend Rivkah. As soon as I heard it, I felt I could relate to  it right away, and knew I wanted to tell it on The Bitachon Blog. She graciously allowed me to share her story with my readers.

Good parking spots are hard to come by at the train station. By leaving a bit earlier than other commuters, Rivkah is able to find a good parking spot on most days.

On this particular morning, however, Rivkah was running late.

Her boss had called with an emergency at 2 AM the night before. He told her to take her time in the morning, after the trouble he had caused in the night. But parking spots did not care how little you slept; they were just not available if you weren’t there early!

So Rivkah, tired and groggy, rolled out of bed, almost as bright and early as usual. On her way out the door, her sister called to ask about something important. Her schedule set back by a few more minutes now, she finally headed out.

As she was driving, Rivkah spotted an acquaintance walking to the station. She offered him a ride, which he gratefully accepted.

They arrived at the station and searched for a parking spot in the first lot. By this time, though, the lot was already full. Rivkah dropped off her passenger, and proceeded to the second lot to find somewhere to park her car.

She finally found an empty spot at the far end of the second lot. As she pulled in, she saw her train at the station. She quickly ran toward the train, hoping to squeeze in before the doors closed. Though she thought the conductor had seen her and waved her in, the doors slammed shut in her face as she arrived at the train.

What happens next?

I’ll bet you expected that she miraculously made the train after all, or the train crashed, or she had a life-changing experience on the next train.

Well, what really happened next was more spectacular than any of those!

Rivkah stepped back from the closed train doors and said to herself: “It is very clear that for some reason unknown to  me, Hashem wanted me to miss this train! Everything that could have gone wrong - did. This was clearly orchestrated special for me - to miss the train!”

This is real Bitachon!

Stories that end happily ever after are beautiful and often inspirational. In those types of stories, the reason becomes very obvious. The real challenge is having a relaxed and accepting attitude even when there is no “happily ever after”.

How did she do that?

Rivkah shared with me the secret of how she was able to react this way. She has been thinking about Bitachon ever since going to a class on the topic by Chevi Garfinkel, and also subscribes to The Bitachon Blog. When these sort of things happen, her reaction is a Bitachon reaction simply because of her Bitachon awareness!

Silly things - like missing the train - are a huge source of stress for many people. Though in hindsight they may seem inconsequential, in real time they can trigger strong emotions like anger, frustration, and even panic.

The key to remaining calm, cool, and collected is … Bitachon!

Even though I may not understand why things are happening or I would have wished for something different, I know that it’s all part of Hashem’s plan. Nothing happens by accident or by chance. My life, every little part of it, is tailor-made for me!

If you have a Bitachon success story, I would love to hear it!

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King David's Formula For Fortitude

The forty days from Rosh Chodesh Elul through Yom Kippur are called Yemei Ratzon, Days of Desire. This is because these forty days are an auspicious time for coming close to Hashem and doing teshuva (repenting). It is during this time, more than any other, that God desires our repentance and closeness.

During these weeks, there are certain acts that we do to help us do teshuva and to connect back with Hashem. For example, we blow the shofar every morning and we add phrases to the amidah (silent Shemoneh Esrei prayer) between Rosh Hashanna and Yom Kippur. We also recite Psalm 27 after the morning and afternoon prayers from the first day of the month of Elul right through the Holiday of Shemini Atzeres.

Psalm 27 - Have No Fear

This chapter in Psalms is very pertinent because besides from being one of my favorites, it is also all about Bitachon! (Maybe that is why I have always liked it so much!)

Dovid Hamelech (King David) begins by proclaiming:

Hashem is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear? Hashem is the strength of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?

The Malbim (Rabbi Meir Leibush ben Yechiel Michel Weiser, 1809-1879) explains that Divine Providence is brought about through clinging to Hashem. One who attaches himself to Hashem will find that Hashem’s constant watchfulness and protection will attach themselves to him.

One who trusts in Hashem does not need to fear. A righteous person will not be harmed, except in a momentary lapse of connection to Hashem or His service.

I remember learning in school that Dovid Hamelech knew he was destined to die on a Shabbos. He also knew that the Angel of Death had no power to harm him as long as he was studying Torah. Therefore, he made sure to study Torah the entire Shabbos long; in this way he could not die!

Hashem caused Dovid to lose his step and fall. He momentarily stopped studying Torah, and only because of this momentary lapse was the Angel of Death able to perform his duty.

Hashem is My Salvation . . . They Will Stumble and Fall

Dovid Hamelech continues to say that he will not fear those enemies who come to harm him. Rather, they will stumble and fall. If they wage war against him, Dovid says, his heart will not fear because he trusts in Hashem.

The Malbim notes that Dovid tells us “ … they will stumble and fall” and not “I will overcome them.” Even if King David does nothing to them, they will fall on their own because “Hashem is the strength of my life”. It is God, not Dovid, who will cause the salvation.

Our One Desire

Dovid Hamelech goes on  to say (verse 4):

I have only one request from Hashem which I seek: to live in the House of Hashem all my days of my life …

A man’s needs are constantly changing throughout his life. What he asks for today may be different from what he requested yesterday or what he may require tomorrow.

The one need which remains constant, the Malbim explains, is the need to be close to Hashem. It is through this need that all our other needs are met. This is what Dovid means when he says, “I have only one request” - only one request that is always. That one constant need is “to dwell in the House of Hashem” - in other words, to be close to Hashem.

Practical Bitachon

Take advantage of this special time.

  Teshuva, Tefillah, and Tzedaka (repentance, prayer, and charity) remove the evil of the decree. Try to do something in each of these areas that is more than what you were doing before, keeping in mind the goal of coming closer to Hashem. Bitachon is all about feeling that closeness to Hashem; what better time than now to take action!

1. Teshuva (repentance): Choose something small but measurable that you can improve upon in these weeks. Map out a plan by identifying specific action steps. By choosing something that is manageable, you increase your chances for success. This success will provide an excellent foundation to build upon.

2. Tefillah (prayer): If you don’t already pray, commit to praying a little bit every day throughout the holiday season. Choose a prayer with which you are already familiar, such as Shema or Modeh Ani (first prayer upon awakening), or choose a new prayer to learn. You can always talk to Hashem in your own words. Thank Him for what you have, ask Him for what you need.

    If you do daven (pray) daily, learn the meaning of a Tefillah that you don’t already know well. Focus or concentrate on a particular part of davening and try  extra hard to avoid distracting thoughts. Daven for someone else. Pray that Hashem bring you closer to Him!

3. Tzedaka (charity): At this time of the year, we all try to give a little more Tzedaka than usual. Choose a Jewish cause that is meaningful to you and donate your money and/or time.

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Effort vs. Trust and How to Make Decisions

This past Shabbos, my third-grader related a beautiful Torah thought that he learned in school. As soon as I heard it, I knew I had to share it on the Bitachon Blog!

The Torah teaches that if you see someone loading an animal with packages, you should help the owner to load the animal. However, if the owner does not assist, then you are not required to load the packages either.

So too, Hashem wants to help us with our work, with our endeavors. However, we must try as well. If we don’t try, then Hashem will not help us either.

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Effort vs. Trust

This idea touches on the age old balancing act between Effort and Trust.

Bitachon requires that I believe that everything that happens comes from Hashem. What I have or lack, what happens to me, my health, my job, my family - is all decided by Hashem.

But Bitachon also requires that I do my fair share. If I want Hashem to help me out, I had better show that I am trying as hard as I can. The passerby only has to help load if the owner is working too!

What exactly is “Effort”?

Effort means to try your best within reason.

Imagine you ask you child to clean his room. You recognize that this may be a difficult task for him to perform all on his own, and you offer to help him. What would you expect from your child?

Personally, I would expect to see active involvement. I am happy to guide, advise, and even sweep up the mess, as long as the child is working with me.

If he is throwing things away, picking clothes up off the floor, and returning toys to their places, I am thrilled to sort, collect, and pick up along with him. But as soon as he sits down on his bed to watch me work, I am done helping.

What one might expect from his child is a good barometer to measure what God expects from us. Hashem understands that we can't do it alone. But if we sit on the couch and put our feet up thinking that “God will provide!”, we may be in for a big surprise! Hashem will assist us, provided that we are working too.

Decision Making

There are 2 general types of decisions, and each requires a different approach:

1. Material matters

   When it comes to making decisions in the physical realm, it is often hard to know which choice will lead you to success.

   For example, you have an opportunity to buy a house. The real estate market fluctuates, and you cannot know whether the house will go up or down in value. Proper effort would require you to do some research and find out whether the market is expected to rise or fall. Once you have all the information in front of you, you must make an educated decision based on what your eyes can see.

   Let’s say you decided to pass on the house because an expert advised you that the market was likely to fall. You made the right decision based on research and expert opinion.

   It soon becomes apparent that the market has not fallen at all; it has skyrocketed beyond anyone’s expectations.

   

   This is where Bitachon comes in. You did your part - you put in your reasonable effort in making the decision. Whatever actually happens is due to Hashem’s decree. You did not make a bad decision; Hashem decided you were not meant to have that profit.

   Conversely, if you bought it and made a windfall on it, you still need to have Bitachon and attribute the success to Hashem. Your gain is also only because Hashem willed it to be so.

   (Needless to say, if you bought the house and its value dropped, you will need a large dose of Bitachon! As long as you did your proper effort before buying it, you need not feel bad about the loss, or feel that you made a bad decision. Here too, the loss was Hashem’s decree.)

2. Spiritual matters

   In the spiritual realm, you still have to put in your effort - lots of it.

   There is a major difference, though, when it comes to making decisions.

   In the physical realm, we have no way of knowing what is ultimately the right choice. In the spiritual realm, however, we do have a way of knowing what is right!

   Hashem gave us an instruction manual - the Torah! - to guide and teach us, to tell us what is right. The excuse “I just did what I thought would be best” doesn’t work, because we have the actual answer available to us!

   It is true that not everyone has sufficient Torah knowledge to come to the correct conclusion. But everyone has access to someone who does have that knowledge. Hashem provided us with Rabbis who are learned and experienced. They can and will happily answer our questions and guide us. Our proper effort is to learn or to ask!

   For example, you would like to take advantage of a great deal caused by a pricing error, but you are not sure whether this is ethical or not.

   Even though you may not personally know the answer, there is no need to guess! Is this permitted by halacha (Torah law) or not? You can find out the answer by calling a reliable Rabbi.

Practical Bitachon

1. Don’t use “Well that must be what Hashem wanted” as an excuse. You are responsible to put in a reasonable effort! If after all your efforts, you still fail, then “that must be what Hashem wanted”.

2. Regarding material decisions, do your due diligence and then decide according to what seems best. Hashem will take it from there!

3. Concerning spiritual matters, if you don’t know what is the right thing to do, ASK! (Tip: the more you study yourself, the better position you will be in to know what to ask, or how to ask! Sometimes relating all the pertinent details clearly can make all the difference!)

Discussion:

What do you  think constitutes a “reasonable effort”?

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To Travel or Not To Travel: That is the Question

This post about business travel was inspired by an excellent comment by Karen in response to Choosing the Right Profession - the Bitachon Way. If you haven’t already read it, you might want to consider reading that first.

Hypocrite!

There was once a businessman who traveled to a far away land on business. While he was there, he met one of the local idol-worshippers. The businessman asked the idolater, “How can you be so blind as to worship idols?”

The idol-worshipper replied, “And whom do you serve?”

“I serve the Creator,” responded The businessman. “He is able to do anything. He alone provides sustenance, there is none other who supports like He does.”

Retorted the idolater, “You are a hypocrite!”

“How so?” asked The businessman.

“If what you claim is true, then your God can support you in your city just as He can provide for you here! Why do you need to exert yourself to travel so far?”

The businessman realized that the idol-worshipper was correct. From that day on, he resolved to live a life dedicated to Hashem, and he no longer left his hometown in search of livelihood.

(From the Chovos Halevavos, Duties of the Heart, Gate of Trust, Introduction)

Does this mean it is wrong to travel for business?

As with most things in life, there is a proper time and place for everything.

There are some people who love to travel, to see new places, to have new experiences.

Some employees are paid by their employers for their travel time. They can then utilize their travel time to further their own goals, such as reading or studying (assuming that their employers don’t expect them to work on the plane).

The point is, if you are happy traveling, that is fine. If it feels right for you, then it probably is.

On the other hand, if traveling wears you down and takes you away from where you really want to be, then maybe you ought to think things through again. If you travel only because you feel that you have no choice, realize that you may have other options. Is it possible that you travel because deep down you don’t believe that Hashem can provide for you otherwise?

Yes, God requires you to make a real effort. But once you do your part, remember that Hashem can support you wherever you are!

Other Factors

There are other considerations that may affect your career or location decisions. These include the general things that make a person employable (which is certainly part of a person’s required effort!), such as:

• Do something you’re good at
• Get proper training and keep it up to date
• Maintain desirable work habits

See Parnassa (Livelihood) vs. Passion: A Follow-Up to “Choosing the Right Profession - the Bitachon Way” for a full discussion of these and other issues.

Disclaimer: Please do not go and quit your job after reading this post! Speak to a Rabbi who knows your personal situation well and can advise you!

Do

• Attribute your livelihood to God, no matter where is comes from.
• Hope. Even when things are tough, remember that Hashem is not limited!
• Put forth your best effort, and then trust Hashem to do what’s best for you.

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