When Things Don't Go Your Way: 3 Tools for Dealing with Disappointment

Imagine this scenario:

It is Rosh Hashanna morning. You dress and feed the little ones, set the table, and head off to shul.

The shul has youth programs and even babysitting, to allow parents of any age child to participate in the services.

You are looking forward to the opportunity. After all, as a mother of young children, it is not often that you have a chance to daven in shul!

You make sure to arrive early enough to settle all the children in their respective programs. Everyone seems happy, except the baby. You remain with him for a while longer, until it is time to listen to the shofar. He seems to be okay as you slip out the door …

When you step out for a moment after shofar blowing, you meet a friend who has just come from the babysitting room. “Your baby is crying,” she informs you. “Maybe you should peek in through the glass in the door.”

Sure enough, your baby is screaming! Time to rethink. Certainly, God does not want you davening mussaf at shul while your baby screams at the babysitter.

So you retrieve your baby and other children after just a short stay at the youth programs. So much for the quiet prayers. So much for the inspirational davening!

I told you to imagine this scenario. I, on the other hand, do not have to imagine anything; this is exactly what happened to me on the second day of Rosh Hashanna this year!

How does a person deal with disappointment?

Bitachon requires me to believe that everything Hashem does is for the best. This can sometimes be tricky if you don’t know how to deal with frustration.

There are specific tools that can be used in this type of situation to help you cope with the letdown.

1. Maintain realistic expectations

   When you expect one thing and get another, you may feel frustrated or dissatisfied. Having realistic expectations does not mean expecting the worst; it means realizing that things may not go exactly as planned. When you are prepared for alternate possibilities, you are better able to adapt to the new situation.

   In the above example, I was well aware the my baby does not take fondly to babysitters. He is almost never in the care of any non-family member. He also  woke up early that morning, and I knew he would need to nap close to his regular time, shortly after the shofar blowing. It would have been foolish for me to expect him to be happy about being left with strangers when he was overtired!

   Going in with the attitude of “Wow, it would be so nice, but I know it may not really work out” rather than “This is the way it will be” made a huge difference in my level of disappointment. Sure, I would have loved to daven in shul, but at least I wasn’t crushed that I had to daven at home instead (with little people trying to get my attention the whole time!).

2. Gratitude: Focus on what went right, not what went wrong

   This one is crucial. If you maintain a positive focus, it can really keep things in perspective.

   By having gratitude for all that worked out well for me, it helped me to realize that not davening in shul was really not such a big deal in the larger picture. Here is a list of some things I am grateful for:

   • I have children to take care of.
   • I got to hear the first 30 shofar blasts in shul. This was especially important to me because my husband was blowing the shofar!
   • I got to hear shofar, daven mussaf, and stay in shul until the end of kedusha on the first day of Rosh Hashanna. Again, I valued this even more because my husband was the Chazzan on the first day!
   • If this had to happen on one of the two days of Rosh Hashanna, I was glad it worked out this way. I heard some of the Chazzan’s repetition on the day my husband was the Chazzan, and at least I made it for shofar on the day the he blew shofar!
   • I managed to daven mussaf at home, albeit not in the quietest environment.
   • The baby napped closer to schedule, so he went to sleep on time at night.

   I cannot stress enough how much this type  of attitude can help you! In any life situation, there is always something to smile about. If nothing else, you can be grateful that you are at least familiar with more pleasant situations than the one you are in!

3. Plan for the future

   Ask yourself: “What can I do differently next time to achieve a better outcome?”

   This shifts the spotlight from the undesired events and places it instead on an action plan for the future.

   Truthfully, in this particular instance, I don’t think there is anything I would change the next time! Yes, I would have loved to daven in shul, but no, I wouldn’t give up my role and responsibility as a mother to make that happen!

   I had already  done all that I could to help things along smoothly (such as leaving snacks, settling him in, even acclimating him to babysitting at shul for short periods over the previous few weeks). If it didn’t work out, it is because Hashem didn’t want it to be that way!

   However, there are many cases where we can do something to improve the odds of things working in our favor. This is part of our required hishtadlus (effort) and we certainly must not ignore this aspect.

What is your experience? Do you have an idea you would like to add to this list?

Wishing everyone a Sweet New Year and a meaningful High Holiday season!