Suffering as a Preparation for Something Greater

Delayed gratification is “the ability to resist the temptation for an immediate reward and wait for a later reward” (Wikipedia).

Examples:

1. On a diet

   

   I can eat the chocolate bar (instant gratification), or I can resist the temptation now and have a favorable reading on the scale later (delayed gratification).

2. Study habits

   

   I can party with my friends, pass notes, and daydream during class (instant gratification), or I can pay attention in class and study hard now so that I can attend the college of my choice later (delayed gratification).

Needless to say, it is easier to delay gratification when you know that the gratification will eventually come. A third grader may not really understand or care why it is so important to succeed in school. University is many years away, and college applications are not on his mind yet!

However, in real life, we often don’t know when the gratification will come. We see only the sacrifice and denial of the moment. We wonder if the good will ever arrive.

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Effort vs. Trust and How to Make Decisions

This past Shabbos, my third-grader related a beautiful Torah thought that he learned in school. As soon as I heard it, I knew I had to share it on the Bitachon Blog!

The Torah teaches that if you see someone loading an animal with packages, you should help the owner to load the animal. However, if the owner does not assist, then you are not required to load the packages either.

So too, Hashem wants to help us with our work, with our endeavors. However, we must try as well. If we don’t try, then Hashem will not help us either.

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Effort vs. Trust

This idea touches on the age old balancing act between Effort and Trust.

Bitachon requires that I believe that everything that happens comes from Hashem. What I have or lack, what happens to me, my health, my job, my family - is all decided by Hashem.

But Bitachon also requires that I do my fair share. If I want Hashem to help me out, I had better show that I am trying as hard as I can. The passerby only has to help load if the owner is working too!

What exactly is “Effort”?

Effort means to try your best within reason.

Imagine you ask you child to clean his room. You recognize that this may be a difficult task for him to perform all on his own, and you offer to help him. What would you expect from your child?

Personally, I would expect to see active involvement. I am happy to guide, advise, and even sweep up the mess, as long as the child is working with me.

If he is throwing things away, picking clothes up off the floor, and returning toys to their places, I am thrilled to sort, collect, and pick up along with him. But as soon as he sits down on his bed to watch me work, I am done helping.

What one might expect from his child is a good barometer to measure what God expects from us. Hashem understands that we can't do it alone. But if we sit on the couch and put our feet up thinking that “God will provide!”, we may be in for a big surprise! Hashem will assist us, provided that we are working too.

Decision Making

There are 2 general types of decisions, and each requires a different approach:

1. Material matters

   When it comes to making decisions in the physical realm, it is often hard to know which choice will lead you to success.

   For example, you have an opportunity to buy a house. The real estate market fluctuates, and you cannot know whether the house will go up or down in value. Proper effort would require you to do some research and find out whether the market is expected to rise or fall. Once you have all the information in front of you, you must make an educated decision based on what your eyes can see.

   Let’s say you decided to pass on the house because an expert advised you that the market was likely to fall. You made the right decision based on research and expert opinion.

   It soon becomes apparent that the market has not fallen at all; it has skyrocketed beyond anyone’s expectations.

   

   This is where Bitachon comes in. You did your part - you put in your reasonable effort in making the decision. Whatever actually happens is due to Hashem’s decree. You did not make a bad decision; Hashem decided you were not meant to have that profit.

   Conversely, if you bought it and made a windfall on it, you still need to have Bitachon and attribute the success to Hashem. Your gain is also only because Hashem willed it to be so.

   (Needless to say, if you bought the house and its value dropped, you will need a large dose of Bitachon! As long as you did your proper effort before buying it, you need not feel bad about the loss, or feel that you made a bad decision. Here too, the loss was Hashem’s decree.)

2. Spiritual matters

   In the spiritual realm, you still have to put in your effort - lots of it.

   There is a major difference, though, when it comes to making decisions.

   In the physical realm, we have no way of knowing what is ultimately the right choice. In the spiritual realm, however, we do have a way of knowing what is right!

   Hashem gave us an instruction manual - the Torah! - to guide and teach us, to tell us what is right. The excuse “I just did what I thought would be best” doesn’t work, because we have the actual answer available to us!

   It is true that not everyone has sufficient Torah knowledge to come to the correct conclusion. But everyone has access to someone who does have that knowledge. Hashem provided us with Rabbis who are learned and experienced. They can and will happily answer our questions and guide us. Our proper effort is to learn or to ask!

   For example, you would like to take advantage of a great deal caused by a pricing error, but you are not sure whether this is ethical or not.

   Even though you may not personally know the answer, there is no need to guess! Is this permitted by halacha (Torah law) or not? You can find out the answer by calling a reliable Rabbi.

Practical Bitachon

1. Don’t use “Well that must be what Hashem wanted” as an excuse. You are responsible to put in a reasonable effort! If after all your efforts, you still fail, then “that must be what Hashem wanted”.

2. Regarding material decisions, do your due diligence and then decide according to what seems best. Hashem will take it from there!

3. Concerning spiritual matters, if you don’t know what is the right thing to do, ASK! (Tip: the more you study yourself, the better position you will be in to know what to ask, or how to ask! Sometimes relating all the pertinent details clearly can make all the difference!)

Discussion:

What do you  think constitutes a “reasonable effort”?

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Why Work For A Living?

Ever since the sin of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, man has endured the curse - “By the sweat of your brow shall you eat bread”.

Have you ever wondered why this does not contradict Bitachon? After all, if Hashem will provide you with all of your needs anyway, why should you bother to expend any effort at all? If He is providing for you, why does He make you work for it?

Fool’s Bitachon

There is a famous parable told of a man on a sinking ship. The crew admonishes him to hurry into the waiting lifeboat. He declines the offer, on the grounds that “God will save me”.

A passing ship lets down a rope ladder so that he can climb aboard to safety. The man holds strong to his convictions. “No thank you,” he tells them. “God will save me!”

Finally, with the ship sinking fast, a helicopter circles overhead. It has come to save the man. However, he wants to be saved by God, not by a helicopter. He remains on the sinking ship.

At last, the man drowns in the depths of the ocean. His soul arrives before God. He has come to God with a complaint: “I trusted in You to save me, God. Why did You let me down?”

God responds, “I saved you 3 times! I provided you with a lifeboat, but you wouldn’t get in. I sent you a ship, but you wouldn’t climb aboard. I  even flew in a helicopter for you, but YOU refused to be saved!”

Rabbenu Bachya Ibn Paquda, author of Chovos Halevavos (Duties of the Heart), employs a similar analogy of a hungry person. Even if the food is placed in front of him, he still must bring the food to his mouth and chew it up in order to quell his hunger!

Even more effort is required when the food is not placed before him. He must work to pay for the ingredients, shop, and cook the food if he wants to eat.

In other words, even when Hashem provides, man must expend a certain amount of effort in order to tap into the good that God has in store for him.

Bitachon does not mean that Hashem will take care of me, and therefore I don’t need to to do anything. Rather, I must put forth a basic, reasonable effort. Once I have fulfilled my obligation, I can trust that Hashem will provide for me through whichever avenue He deems fit.

The Chovos Halevavos offers 2 reasons why man has to work:

1. To test him

   God created man with external needs, such as food, drink, clothing, shelter and family. God has commissioned man to seek out his needs in permitted ways, and provides appropriate opportunities for Him to do so.

   This enables man to exercise his free will. Does he serve Hashem or does he transgress His will? Does he obtain his needs appropriately, or does he disregard God’s laws in an effort to obtain his wants and needs?

   If a man truly trusts in God, he will not try to fulfill his needs in a forbidden way. He realizes that if he is meant to have something, then God will provide him with a proper way to procure his need. If he is not meant to have it, he will not be able to obtain it no matter what he does. Therefore, he does not benefit by using unsuitable methods for getting what he wants.

2. To keep  man busy so he won’t sin

   If man did not have to earn his living, he would rebel against God and run after sin, instead of focusing on his obligation to serve Hashem.

   Structure is a wonderful gift. It helps us to zoom in on what we need to do instead of wandering about aimlessly.

   Take, for example, a child during the school year. Somehow, he is always very busy doing something very important. There is simply not enough time to eat, do homework, shower, and get to bed on time!

   But look at that same child after two weeks of vacation. He is bored as can be. He can’t seem to find anything at all to do. (We are at the end of summer vacation, and I am beginning to hear “I’m bored!” and “What can I do?” quite a lot!).

   The same is true of students. The hall-roamers and mischief makers are not the kids who are working hard in class! They are the children who are (for a variety of different reasons) bored!

   Teens and adults who have too much time at their disposal often find themselves involved with drugs, alcohol, or inappropriate relationships. Having to work for a living is a blessing in that it saves people from getting into this kind of trouble.

Every worthwhile goal requires effort

These principles - that man must work to earn a living, and that work serves as a test and protection from sin - apply not only in regards to money and basic needs, but to all human wants and needs, both physical and spiritual.

Practical Bitachon

1. On your way to work, thank Hashem for the blessing of work! Appreciate that working allows you to stay on the straight path and to affirm your loyalty to Hashem.

2. When doing unpleasant tasks, remember that they are actually part of a healthy, structured life!

3. Welcome hard work instead of running away from it. It was created for your benefit!

4. Take advantage of the opportunities that Hashem provides. Don’t miss the boat!

   

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Giving Hashem the Benefit of the Doubt

What is everyone doing?

When the kids come home on Friday afternoon, there is always a lot to be done. Even though most of the cooking and cleaning is already done, the children still need to bathe and eat. In addition, I have a little challah bakery on Fridays, and customers come to pick up their orders on Friday afternoon. There is never any shortage of things to do on Fridays!

Usually we encourage the older ones to get started with their showers as soon as they get home. This way, there is enough time for everyone to bathe.

But this week, they just didn’t seem to be moving along. Every time I inquired whether someone had showered, the person seemed to be upstairs, talking to my visiting in-laws.

Now, I am all for fostering relationships with grandparents. But couldn’t they talk after their showers, or during the week, or on Shabbos? Did it have to be right now, while they were supposed to be getting ready for Shabbos?

We did finally manage to get everyone ready for Shabbos in plenty of time, and I forgot all about it.

This morning, when I put on my apron to bake, my children suddenly ran upstairs. They came down waving a brand new apron (pictured). “Surprise!” they shouted.

Boy, was I surprised!

As it turns out, they made the apron last Friday, when they were all so busy with my mother-in-law and father-in-law upstairs!

Doesn’t Hashem deserve the benefit of the doubt too?

So often, there is a good reason for what is going on that we just don’t know. As human beings, we are limited by what our eyes can see. This certainly applies to people, who sometimes have good intentions but other times do not.

How much more does this apply to Hashem, who loves and cares for us and always has our best interests in mind!

He knows exactly what we need, and he delivers every time!

Practical Bitachon

1. When something in life isn’t going smoothly, remember that Hashem is busy making your “surprise apron”! Whatever that surprise may turn out to be, it is something that is good for your body or soul.

   Unlike the apron, we may never figure out which “surprise” was born from the wait. We can’t always make a direct correlation. This makes the challenge greater. Nevertheless, we must feel and know that all Hashem does is wonderful!

2. Think of an example where you actually saw your “surprise apron”. Though we often don’t recognize our “surprises” for what they are, occasionally it is very obvious. Use these cases to bolster your Bitachon!

Share your “surprise apron” example (everybody has one!) by posting a comment.

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NeverOnTime Airlines and Habit #5: Always There for You

In The 7 Habits of Highly Dependable People, I concluded the post with the question:

What qualities would make you feel you could depend on someone?

Karen responded, “… consistency is really important to trust someone.”

Obviously, when we talk about consistency as a virtue, we refer to the positive use of consistency. Contrast these scenarios:

1. 

   When I was in High School, I used to walk to school with my friend Chavi (not her real name). We agreed that she would pick me up each day at 7:50 AM.

   Every morning, even before 7:50, Chavi would knock on my door. Over four years of High Shchool, I don’t remember her ever being late. I could always count on her to be ready and on time.

2. You are an important business executive. You have an important meeting in another city, and need to get there on time.

   

   NeverOnTime Airlines has some great fares, and you nearly book your ticket with them. Then you hear that their flights are habitually delayed or canceled.

   Would you depend on this airline to get you there on time?

3. 

   A teacher assigns homework to be done. Sometimes, the teacher collects and grades the assignment. Other times, she forgets to check that the work has been done.

Both examples 1 and 2 exhibit consistency. NeverOnTime Airlines was consistently late, and my friend Chavi was consistently on time. Few people would choose to fly NeverOnTime Airlines, but anyone would rely on Chavi!

The third example, however, demonstrates inconsistency. The students are never sure whether the work really needs to be done. Some students may try to get away with not doing their homework because they do not believe their teacher will really check it.

You feel you can trust someone when he has consistently been there for you in the past. If he has never let you down until now, you feel you can depend on him to come through for you.

Review of the 7 Habits of Highly Dependable People (so far)

1. Love and care
2. Attentive and available
3. Able and unstoppable
4. Knows what you really need
5. Consistently there for you

Practical Bitachon

Consider how Hashem has cared for you ever since you were born. Even if you have had a hard life, remember that your life itself is a gift from Hashem.

Keep in mind that Hashem helps you by always giving you exactly what you need (Habit #4). While consistently being there for you (Habit #5) is usually thought to include things like food, shelter, clothing, family, health etc, it may also include pushing along your growth through challenge or unpleasant situations!

The more you look to see how Hashem’s Hand has guided your entire life until now, the better able you are to have Bitachon (trust) that Hashem will continue to look out for you in the future.

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The Package and Habit # 4: Knows What You Really Need

The Package

One day, a package comes in the mail. It’s from your cousin Anna! What could be inside? Wow! It’s a check for your birthday! How thoughtful!

Imagine the same scenario, but …

One day, a package comes in the mail. It’s from your cousin Bella! What could be inside? Wow! It’s a fur hat for your birthday! I live in Florida!! Who needs a fur hat in Florida?

What do you need?

In the above scenarios, both Anna and Bella actually care about you and want to help you. They really want to get you something that you need. The difference is that Anna knew what you needed, while Bella did not.

Over the past few posts, we have been discussing the 7 Habits of Highly Dependable People. So far, we have seen these habits:

1. Love and care
2. Attentive and available
3. Able and unstoppable

However, even if a person cares about you, is attentive and available, and is able to help you, she can’t assist you if she doesn’t know what you really need!

Who knows better?

I remember visiting my cousins once when I was a kid. My mother and my aunt were discussing some recent news in my cousin’s school. One girl was allergic to peanuts, and the whole school went peanut-free in order to accommodate her.

“After all,” my aunt explained, “every child deserves to go to school.”

My young cousin, listening to the exchange, replied in outrage, “What do you mean? No child deserves to go to school!!”

If it were up to the kids, they would forget about school, eat pizza and ice cream at every meal, and stay up all night every night. They can’t understand why those mean adults keep insisting on study, sleep, and good nutrition!

But what would happen if parents let kids do anything they wanted? Would that be good for them? Is that really what they need?

Part of being a dependable parent is giving a child what he needs, even if he does not like it, even if he does not think he needs it!

Do we really know what we need?

One night I took out pajamas for my three year old to wear. She came down a few minutes later, crying. She must have put both feet into the same pant leg, and her shorts were all the way up around her waist.

“Why did you give this to me?” she screamed, tears streaming down her cheeks. “It’s not good, why did you give it to me!”

The pajamas I gave her were just fine; she just didn’t know how to put them on!

Who really knows what we need?

Everything Hashem gives us is exactly what we need. But like my three year old, sometimes we just don’t know how to use it properly. Or maybe we fail to recognize that what we got was what we needed.

We wish we could do anything we want. If only we could fulfill our every desire! But is that really what we need?

Thankfully, Hashem is dependable to take care of our needs. Sometimes this feels great, like having food to eat and a place to sleep. Sometimes it is difficult, like insult or illness. But in every case, it is just what we need. One day, we may see that what we got was really just perfect. Or we may never understand.

Practical Bitachon

• In what ways do you see that Hashem knows what you need?
• Think about a situation where you got something other than what you thought you needed, but it really turned out to be just right.
• When you can’t see how your situation can possibly be what you need, consider this story from Rabbi Yisroel Reisman’s book, Pathways of the Prophets (p.170):

  A man walks into shul for Maariv one night, visibly disturbed about something. The Rav goes over to him after Maariv and asks him what is wrong. The man tells him that he was supposed to fly to Europe that night, and he got stuck in traffic and missed the flight. He could not get onto another flight, and he was stuck in America.

  “I have to cancel all of my meetings,” the man moans. “I’ll ruin my business. Why did this have to happen to me?”

  “What would happen,” asks the Rav, “if you wake up tomorrow and read in the newspaper that the flight crashed, and all 450 people on board died. What would you do then?”

  “I would give a kiddush!” the man exclaims. “I would be delighted that I missed the flight.”

  “You rasha [(wicked person)]!” the Rav responds. “Do 450 people have to die for you to see Hashem’s Hand in your life? Do you have to kill 450 people to say ‘thank you’ to Hashem?

  “Do the world a favor. Let those people live, and just see Hashem’s Hand in your missed flight.”

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The Shadchan and Habit #3: Able and Unstoppable

To illustrate Habit #3 of highly dependable people, consider the following (fictitious) example:

You want to get married, and you need a shadchan to help you find your life partner. Having read The Bitachon Blog, and wanting to work with someone dependable, you make sure to find a shadchan (matchmaker) who actually cares about you (see Habit #1: Love and Care). She listens to you, keeps you in mind (what good is a shadchan who forgets about you?), and returns your calls (see My Kitchen Timers and Habit #2: Attentive and Available). She even has some great guys to set you up with. You are beginning to feel excited.

Then, out of nowhere, things seem to go awry. One young man is “busy”, another is not interested, and a third is out of town for the summer. These factors are beyond the control of the shadchan, and certainly not her fault. There is nothing she can do to change the situation.

Finally, she comes up with an appropriate match who is available, and you go out on a date (yay!). You are sure this is “it”. Apparently, he is not. You beg the shadchan to convince him to go out again, but to no avail. He does not want to be convinced. She is unable to help you.

No human is completely dependable. Only Hashem is truly unstoppable!

As much as she wants to help you, the shadchan is only human. She is not always capable of achieving what you want. Sometimes she is prevented from doing what she intended.

Hopefully, we try to enlist the help of people who are mostly capable, but true ability belongs to Hashem alone! Hashem has the power to do anything He wants, even things that seem unlikely or impossible. If God decides to make something happen, there is nothing in the world that can stop Him! That is why He is called “Almighty”!

In the following true story, I never dreamed that things could have turned out so favorable …

My husband and I moved to Jerusalem when I was seven months pregnant with our oldest son. After a reasonable “maternity leave”, I reluctantly began to search for a job. I was not eager to leave my baby all day, but there were few listings for part-time positions. I sent out some resumes, and even went for a couple of interviews, but did not land a job.

Long after I was sure the opening had been filled, I received a call to come in for a second interview at a small little startup company. They offered me a full time job, and I accepted.

Somewhere between the time I applied for the position and the time I actually began to work, I became pregnant. If I thought leaving my baby all day would be hard, now I was tired and nauseous too! Working full-time was going to be a real challenge.

Aside from my boss, I was the first hired employee in the company. When I informed my boss that I was expecting, she began to panic. Though she was in the process of hiring another programmer, she really couldn’t afford to have half her staff missing for several weeks! I was certain when I went home that night that I was about to be fired.

The next day my boss called me into her office. She congratulated me on my pregnancy and apologized for her initial reaction. She was trying to work out a solution that would be fair to everyone … Would I possibly consider working part-time? This way she would have some funds left to hire a third programmer, and she would be covered in my absence.

Would I? Wow! There was nothing I wanted more!!

I actually remember talking about part-time vs. full-time at my interview. My boss was seeking only full-time employees. And now she was asking  me to do her a favor and work part-time!

Nothing is too difficult for Hashem!

Try it!

Here are some practical Bitachon exercises for Habit #3, Able and Unstoppable:

• Think of a situation that seemed hopeless, but then an unexpected solution arose.
• Appreciate some of the “usual” things we take for granted, such as family, livelihood, and waking up in the morning. These things can only happen because God decides they should.
• When you find yourself in a tight spot, consider possible ways, however far fetched, that God could solve your problem. If He chooses not to fulfill your desire, realize that it is not due to lack of ability. Rather, it is an indication that what you wanted wasn’t good for you.

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Baby Steps: Enjoying the Bitachon Process

In the last two weeks, I have been watching something truly amazing.  Shortly before his first birthday, my baby began standing independently.  He took one, then two, then four steps. We clapped for seven, cheered for ten, and marveled at fifteen.

No one made fun that he fell after two steps, or that he could not make it all the way across the room. No one expected him to fetch slippers or bring in the mail or walk up the stairs. We all just smiled and enjoyed watching his learning process. No one was disturbed that he hadn’t yet reached the end goal. His improvement, however slight, was enough to elicit oohs and aahs from us all.

Learning to trust in God is a process. It is something we practice in baby steps; one stride today, one more tomorrow. Focus on the growth, pick yourself up when you fall down, and before you know it, you’ll be running!

Here are some Bitachon baby steps you can take today:

• Don’t get angry over something trivial (like a messy spill – this annoyance was Heaven-sent)
• If you already got angry, let go of your anger. (Here too, aim to recognize that the mishap or misdemeanor was Heaven-sent. Just because you missed the opportunity to exhibit Bitachon when it first happened does not mean you can't have a second chance!)
• Remind yourself that Hashem loves you (think of three things you are thankful for)
• Don’t worry, be happy (worry won’t help, trust that the outcome will ultimately be whatever Hashem has chosen for you)
• Think: “How can I grow from this situation?”. There is an opportunity for growth hidden in every challenge.
• Remember: Bitachon doesn't mean that the situation isn’t difficult. It means trusting that Hashem is running the show and that what He is doing is good for me, even if I don’t know why.

I’m sure you can add many more to this list! Just pick one that’s appropriate and do it!

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Weight Lifting: Practical Bitachon

My friend, a certified personal trainer, has been telling me for years how important weight-lifting is.  I finally decided it was time to do something about it.  So I found several articles about weight-lifting for beginners.  I read up all about how to start with what you can handle and increase resistance, the importance of good form, and how much better free weights are than machines.

Well, I’m glad that’s done and out of the way!

What did you say?  Did I leave something out?  Oh.  You mean just reading about it is not enough?  I have to actually do it too?

Research, information, and even inspiration are a great place to start.  But if you want to exercise your muscles, you have to do, you have to practice, you have to work.

In order to reap the benefits of Bitachon, you need to do Bitachon.

How do you do Bitachon?

Bitachon means accepting that Hashem is running the show, and that He knows what He’s doing.  So doing Bitachon means replacing my knee-jerk reaction with a new Bitachon reaction.  It means letting my actions reflect my new attitude.  Instead of getting angry or stressed about the situation, I remain calm and accepting.

But I don’t really feel accepting.  Isn’t that hypocritical?

That’s the beauty of a workout.  You don’t have to feel strong in order to go to the gym.  It’s not hypocritical to exercise when your muscles are weak; that’s why you’re there!  When you practice saying “Everything Hashem does is for the best” or “If it’s Your will, Hashem, then it’s my will too,” you are building your Bitachon muscles.

Why do dressing up, getting busy, and smiling help turn your bad mood into a good mood?  When we act a certain way, we begin to actually feel that way too.  After enough repetitions of “Whatever I have I need, whatever I need I have,” you will eventually begin to feel that this is true!

Start small and increase

If you want to begin a weight lifting regimen, you do not begin with a one hundred pound weight.  You start with the maximum you can lift, maybe five or seven pounds, and then increase the load as your muscles strengthen.  When you begin a Bitachon regimen, use your new skills as often as you can within your current ability.  Congratulate yourself every time you remember to think or act with a Bitachon attitude, but don’t try to lift one hundred pounds right away!  There are different levels of trust.  Work from wherever you are now, and you will climb slowly.

Practical Bitachon

Here is an scenario where things don’t go according to (your) plan:

You hurry out of the house and into the car.  You have some very important business to take care of today.  You get into the driver’s seat, turn the key in the ignition, and … nothing.

Knee-jerk reaction:  “Now my whole day is ruined!  Why do these things always happen to me?”  This is followed by a huge load of stress and blaming someone else for the terrible mishap.

Bitachon reaction:  “I thought I needed to do these important things today.  I guess that either I was not meant to take care of these things today, or I will have to find an alternate way of accomplishing them.  I can’t understand why this had to happen, but I trust that if God felt it must be this way, then there must be a good reason.”  This is followed by calmly dealing with the situation.

Post a comment below to share some other opportunities you have encountered for practicing these skills, and appropriate Bitachon reactions (even if that was not your reaction in real life).

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