My husband recently went to BJ’s to buy me some chicken, and came home with one of his favorite vacation foods: soft pretzels. After he loaded the pretzels into the freezer, I stashed away the packets of pretzel salt in a cabinet. Some of our children are allergic to this snack, so we try to enjoy them at night, after everyone is asleep.
One child noticed the pretzel salt in the cabinet.
“Why do we have pretzel salt?” he asked. “For pretzels? We don’t even have any pretzels in the house! I know there are no pretzels in the house!”
He repeated this several times, so confident in his assessment. After all, he knew there were no pretzels in the house!
Hold the judgement!
There was no way for him to know that the reality was otherwise. His conclusion was based on whatever evidence was available to him at the time.
That is where he erred.
And that is where we err all the time.
We are constantly making judgements and assumptions. In fact, we do it so often that we don’t even have to think about it; it just happens automatically.
“That’s so unfair!” we think. “How could God let that happen to him? He’s such a good person!”
“There is no reason she should have to deal with this. She already has enough on her head!”
When I was a teenager, I was sure I knew everything. To grow up is to realize that I don’t know everything. There may be more than meets the eye. There may be parts of the equation that I will never find out.
How, then, can a person ever reach any conclusion?
I must make decisions, large and small, based on the information I have in front of me. I will never have all the facts; this is the best I can do.
But I must not pass judgement based on this insufficient evidence. There is almost certainly more detail that is not available to me!
If you find this difficult, keep in mind that:
1. God is incredibly loving
2. Everything Hashem does is ultimately for your benefit
I dare you!
Here is a challenge for you to try today:
When you encounter something that seems unfair, unnecessary, or just plain bad, think of at least one way that it can be viewed positively.
Example: Your boss is really nasty or demanding.
Your initial negative judgement: “Why did I get stuck in this rotten situation? There’s no reason I should have to go home with a headache every day!”
Alternate positive view: “Maybe this experience will help to prepare me for something in the future. Or maybe it is bad enough that I will end up leaving this job for one that is more satisfying or financially rewarding.”
Share your success by posting a comment!
I see this all the time in an online support group I belong to for Orthodox Conversion candidates. We have members all around the world, in all kinds of different situations and communities. The tough part comes when some gerus candidates seem to have smooth sailing through the process, meeting with the Beis Din for their initial meetings weeks after moving to an Orthodox commmunity and meeting with a Rabbi. Meanwhile, I know of one well-meaning candidate who cannot find the resources to move from the Phillipines...and has been learning for over a decade with no hope of completing his gerus until he moves.
ReplyDeleteIt can be so hard for us, as outsiders, to look at these two situations and see justice or fairness in them. I find inspiration, though, in that some of these people stuck in these difficult situations are able to still congratulate those who seem to have an easier path and are able to find meaning in their own situations. The gerus candidate I mentioned in the Phillipines once said that if he had moved years ago and finished his conversion, he didn't think he would have stuck around the group and wouldn't have been able to help others the way he had. Instead of focusing on how much harder his situation might be than someone else, he focused on what he could learn or share from it as well as the good he could continue to do as he was, where he was.
I understand what you're saying, Karen. When we were stationed in Pensacola (no Orthodox Jewish community) I met a women who was in the conversion process, but, according to what I remember her telling me, could not move forward until she moved to a community. It was very hard for her, she had a mother who was not well who she lived near, a full time job... basically her whole life! She did it because it was important enough to her, and has a beautiful growing family today! At the time she thought it was pretty unfair (I felt for her too, but still saw the Rabbi's point), but now she realizes how important it is to experience living in a community. Thank you for your great example!!
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ReplyDeleteThis is happening live, because I'm at the computer with boys around!
ReplyDeleteExample: Whiny kids!
Initial negative judgement: They are so annoying!
Alternate positive view: This is a chance to exercise patience and apply what I read in all those parenting books:)
You guys are right on target!
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