Dan's Story Continued and the "How" of Bitachon

In The 5 “W"s of Bitachon, we began a story about Dan, who was always getting angry. His relationships were deteriorating until he discovered a new way to deal with his anger. Following is the continuation of the story, which details the specific steps Dan took to make real, lasting changes in his life.

Click here to read the beginning of Dan’s story.

No, Dan did not change overnight. It just doesn’t work that way.

But Dan did make some slow and lasting changes in his life. First, he got a hold of an English translation of the Chovos Halevavos (Duties of the Heart). Together with a friend, he read the section titled “The Gate of Trust” piece by piece. They read just a little bit, a few times a week.

Image courtesy of Kozzi / kozzi.com

At first, Dan did not remember to use his new Bitachon attitude at all. He resorted to his anger and blaming habits just as before.

After a short while, Dan began reminding himself that whatever happened was from Hashem, not the other person. This didn't remove responsibility from the other person, but it did allow Dan to focus on what action was needed now rather than on unproductive blame. Unfortunately, he remembered only after getting angry! Better late than never, but not quite the progress he had hoped for!

Eventually, Dan began to catch himself during, or even before an outburst. He also began to notice how Hashem really was guiding his days. He further enhanced his relationship with God by turning to Him for help on a regular basis. From closing a big business deal to avoiding traffic, he offered informal requests to Hashem to make things work out. Beyond even what Bitachon did for his anger management, it felt so good to have somewhere to turn for help in every situation!

Needless to say, Dan's family was pleasantly surprised by the changes in Dan! They no longer needed to fear his constant outbursts, and could enjoy his company instead.

I wish I could tell you that Dan lived happily ever after and never got angry ever again. What a fairy tale ending that would be!

However, the point of this story is to help us apply Bitachon to our real lives!

Dan did continue to struggle with anger. With time and practice, his Bitachon skills became a habit, and he succeeded in avoiding anger most of the time.

He did still occasionally have an outburst. This was a disappointment to Dan, after all his hard work. He reminded himself that no one is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes. (See Weight Lifting: Practical Bitachon for more on the acceptability of imperfection.)

But Dan did more than just accept his failures. He was determined to learn from them and not to repeat the same mistake twice. He reviewed the situation to see what caused the flare up to begin with. He also brainstormed other possible (acceptable) ways he could have responded. He filled his "toolbox" with tools to use the next time he found himself in a similar position.

Action Steps for Bitachon

Here is a summary of the action steps that Dan took to build Bitachon from scratch, and how you can implement them too!

1. Knowledge

   Knowledge is an incredibly powerful tool. Learn about Bitachon so you will know how to use it and to recognize situations where it is appropriate.

   Dan learned the Gate of Trust in the book Chovos Halevavos with a friend to increase his knowledge of Bitachon. Here are some Bitachon resources you might want to consider:

   • Books: Chovos Halevavos (look for the section called "Gate of Trust")
   • Videos: The Shmuz - Bitachon Workshop
   • Podcasts: Shaarei Bitachon Gates of Trust with Ari Goldwag
   • Blogs: The Bitachon Blog!
   • Local Classes and Lectures

2. Awareness

   In addition to regular study of Bitachon (#1), awareness can be increased by noticing Hashem's involvement in the world. Sometimes this happens naturally. For example, sometimes I take my baby for a walk and can't help but notice how beautiful the world is: the weather, the trees, the fresh air etc. This is a great opportunity to acknowledge that Hashem created this beautiful world and continues to provide me with pleasure from it.

   If you find that you go through the day without noticing Hashem's Hand, there are some other ways to encourage that awareness.

   • Build it into your existing schedule

     Make it a habit to look for God at specific times of the day. For example, think about Hashem's role in your commute when you stop for a red light. Recognize that Hashem is the Force that lets you fly right through a green light at times and stops you for a red light at others. It is simple, takes no time at all, but surprisingly effective at building awareness of God.

   • Talk to Hashem!

     When something goes wrong, or when you really need something to go right, ask Hashem for help! These informal prayers can really increase your awareness that God is in charge, and that He alone can provide assistance.

3. Accountability

   Here are some ways to make sure you don't slack off. Enlisting a trusted friend in the process is ideal, but there are ways to provide self-accountability as well.

   • Learn with a friend
   • Make it a regular and inviolable part of your schedule
   • Keep a journal
   • Join a class

   I gave a 5 session class on Bitachon (thanks again to those of you who came!) and followed it up with this blog. It has been an incredible experience for me, and it sure holds me accountable to a lot of people!

4. Practice, Practice, Practice

   I don't think I need to elaborate much on this one! If you want to learn a new skill, you must use that skill! When you find yourself in a challenging situation, use your favorite Bitachon refrain.

   For example:

   • Whatever Hashem does is for the best
   • If that's what Hashem wants for me, then that's what I want too
   • Hashem is running the show; He knows what He is doing
   • There must be a good reason that this is happening
   • I accept Your Will, Hashem
   • I do my best and Hashem will do the rest

5. Review and Analysis

   This is for those "Whoops, I blew it" moments. Don't just forget about it and move on. Instead:

   1. Reflect: Why did I react this way?
   2. Brainstorm: How could I have handled the situation differently?
   3. Visualize: What will I do if I find myself in this position in the future?

Do you have any other suggestions to help out Dan? Post them in the comments section!